So here I am sat all alone in my caravan at the end of a windy pier trying to decipher the Carling Cup. For the occasion I opted to buy myself a six pack of lager and see how things developed from there. Seemed a good idea at the time. Besides, the tourists have long since departed and there isn't much else for a single lady to do around here!
Six happens to be my lucky number, so with the help of an exasperated drone from thegoal-line office we decided on which six games we should cover. The obvious route would have been to forecast ones with shock potential, or to put it in his nasally words "teams you may have heard of against teams you haven't". Charming! So empowered by the energy of the cosmos and a few tinnies cracked open for good measure here are my six of the best....
Leeds United v Manchester United
There is much negative energy surrounding the auras of both teams which could lead to a fierce engagement. That said, the colour red is currently dominant over that of white and so expect victory for the men from Manchester.
Nottingham Forest v Newcastle United
Some may be expecting a shock here. But what indeed is a shock? The home team are managed by a former England manager, the other by Alan 'A-ha!' Pardew. (Slight misunderstanding -Ed). Have tried to look for anything positive in the heavens which suggests Forest could win here, sadly there seems to be little hope. Newcastle United to win by two goals.
Blackburn Rovers v Leyton Orient
The cat went berzerk when I asked him his opinion on this game. He arched up as his hackles rose and hissed loudly. Not a good sign for Steve Kean. (Perhaps he's a secret Blackburn fan?) Rovers enjoyed a great win against Arsenal last weekend but the cat was having none of it! Could be a massive shock. Orient to win on penalties.
Brighton & Hove Albion v Liverpool
With the smell of the sea-air in your nostrils and the comfort of newly plush surroundings at the AMEX, everything points to a surprise home win. However, the planets think differently. Jupiter finally makes a mark in my charts and suggests a good evening for big men. Not sure what that means but if Mr Carroll fancies popping back to the caravan for a few beers after the game he's more than welcome! Liverpool to win.
Manchester City v Birmingham City
Had to consult many differing sources for this one. My old Mam used to say money can't buy you happiness, she could well be right. Birmingham won't be expecting much from the game but the stars tell a somewhat different tale. Birmingham to cause something of a surprise.
Arsenal v Shrewsbury
Even the Heavens aren't giving Shewsbury much of a chance here. Might be tighter than most would expect but even I'm not mad enough to think they can get a win at the Emirates. Arsenal to have a sticky, unconvincing win.
With the summer season in full swing down here on the coast I was very surprised to hear that they (those nice chaps at thegoal-line) wanted some sort of forecast for the Community Shield game. 'But its August!' I replied. To which they argued that this happens every year, always will, and I'd probably better get used to it! So apologies to all my fans from Manchester who may be expecting some sort of analysis but quite frankly I'm someway in the dark! Fortunately, today has been something of a quiet one. Not much harassment by the 'great unwashed', (Are you sure you should be referring to the public in that way? - ED) so I have been left in relative peace to sit down with the cat and foretell the result.
My crystal ball is flushed by a strong, dominant hint of red. Coincidently there also seems to be a strange hint of whiskey in the air. (Although that could have been the scotch myself and a few friends, okay just me, polished off on Friday night). Sir Alex Ferguson is a Capricorn and with a full moon due next Saturday he will be well prepared to cope with any dramas. However, the stars do not reflect to well on a Sagittarian such as Roberto Mancini and his Sunday afternoon may well be one to forget. This, of course is just the game's forecast and not reflective of the new season as a whole, so don't get too depressed City fans!
From what I can work out the Community Shield is a fairly pointless encounter, although I have also been told that much of the money made goes to charitable causes. That's nice! They do say that charity starts at home, well my caravan needs a hole in the roof plugging and Diotrephes needs a new collar. If some of that money can find its way to me I'd be ever so grateful.
Manchester United will win this game 2-0.
Have a great season!
Like all of you football fans out there I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about Saturday. But not because of some silly game but because today's Friday the 13th! So, Diotrephes and myself have taken to hiding in the caravan, at least until the calender changes and my hangover has worn off. You see, I went all Victorian last night and experimented with a lot of absinthe and snuff but it's left me sneezing all morning and Diotrephes is not at all pleased. This, of course has sod all to do with what will happen in tomorrow's game so let me pause for a while and concentrate on my crystal ball....
Although I saw a lot of green last night, the colours I see now are swirling around quite frantically and suggest to me that not everything will turn out quite as expected. My ball is now mostly red and I can see that Stoke may score the first goal... but wait! The spectrum is quickly changing, it tells of a fight-back but now the ball is quite opaque, almost like the moon!
I now foretell that eventually, by hook or by crook, Manchester City will eventually win the Cup. Even if this means going through a penalty shoot-out. By the way, have I ever told you that I love penalties? The only part of this stupid game I can stand...
Anyway I must leave you as my landlord wants me to cross his palm with a lot of unpaid silver. So me and the cat have changed our minds about Friday the 13th and we're off to hide in the pub.
Have a great Cup Final day!
I don't know about you all out there but last weekend was terrific. Not only was the weather absolutely fantastic but I also picked the winner of the 'National. This has given me new confidence in my clairvoyant abilities. (no pun intended) Admittedly I was a trifle concerned that Ballabriggs would fall neck first at Becher's. Happily it stayed the course and won yours truly seventy-four English pounds worth of beer tokens. Needless to say much of that has been spent very wisely.
Sadly for us all, the football season will soon be coming to an end and so you'll hear less of me over the coming months. This is why I'm so excited by the two Cup Semi Final matches coming up and why I've gone to extra lengths to predict the correct scores.
Manchester City v Manchester United
We all know what usually happens in Manchester derbies; City will put themselves in a position to win the game but will contrive to throw it all away. At least that is what the history books tell us but as I write the game is still to be played in the future, so we should not jump to too many unscientific conclusions! (Eh?? -ED)
In many ways astrology is a science but that of the stars. Although do not confuse it with astronomy. I don't need to be like Brian Cox and go to Machu Picchu to explain that to you all, now do I? The light from stars has travelled for many millions of miles with messages that only one trained in the art of true astrology can properly decipher. Though one advantage Professor Cox has over me is that at least in Machu Picchu you can see the stars! if it isn't light pollution off the damned promenade its thick, cloudy skies which can impair my judgement at the most awkward of moments. (That's not the only thing which impairs your judgement -ED)
So having consulted the charts I reverted back to my trusty crystal ball. I must tell you that I had to purchase a new one recently. My cat, Diotrephes saw his reflection in the glass, his hair stood and end, his back all arched... I'm sure you can guess the rest. By the way, some people may have thought I spent my winnings in a pub. Nothing of the sort! In fact it was spent on a new crystal ball. Bloody expensive things. Or perhaps I just go to the wrong shops?
Anyway, using my new ball to peer through the vastness of time and space I see yet another very close game. That's easily said, I hear you cry. And whilst this is true I must also make a confession that I have absolutely no interest in the game at all, nor even the slightest knowledge of who plays for who, all I can tell you is what I see.
One of the managers seems agitated, whilst the other appears aloof and more conservative in his approach. There'll be a major moment of controversy that decides the game; a sending off or a goal that shouldn't stand but does. Then my ball became as blue as the sky and that of the language of one of the star players. I see one team coming through adversity and recent challenges to win their place in the FA Cup Final and that will be Manchester City.
Bolton Wanderers v Stoke City
Afterwards the crystal ball was still cloudy and confused. Perhaps surprised at what it had shown. So I decided to abandon it and go back to the charts.
From what I could see although both teams play in the Premier League they have hardly had their palms crossed with much silverware down the eons. The auras I could see from both teams are vibrant and strong and this points to a good game. In truth it will be far more entertaining than the day before. Jupiter, Mars and Saturn's place in the astrological field tell me this is indeed so. In fact saturn is particularly strong and I feel that the feeling of loss for a warhorse of old will drive his old team onto victory. There could be many goals in the game and I see that the second team to reach this year's FA Cup Final will be Bolton Wanderers.
That is all for now. The end of the football season also marks the start of the tourist season so I shall be a busy bee over the next few months. But if you do happen to pop into my caravan don't blame me for any inaccuracies, blame the stars!
My crystal ball is one with the Universe. The stars spiralled from within and the result appeared from without. So before I free my mind from the clutches of the cosmos and head off to my AA meeting here's what my tea leaves are telling me about the weekend's cup games...
Birmingham City v Bolton Wanderers
After downing a mug of the finest brew I swirled the remaining leaves around and around but they simply would not settle. Then it occurred to me that they were simply 'wandering' about. It's not what you call science nor analysis but my favour lies with Owen Coyle's men. In fact if pushed I would say that they are my favourites for the Cup.
The Trotters are a Bolt-on to win this game...
Manchester United v Arsenal
I know I shouldn't but I was somewhat concerned as to how the leaves so merrily danced around that I added a splash of whiskey. (Don't tell my AA group, it's frowned upon). This time the result was that the leaves refused to tell me anything. For a while I was befuddled but then I was reminded of Sir Alex refusing to speak to the media. (I would like to meet him one day, he seems to know a good claret) And so from this I deduced that Manchester United will end Arsenal's interest in yet another trophy.
A comfortable win for United...
Stoke City v West Ham United
What the next brew needed what something stronger so I opted to add a few shots of rum into the mix. This is what I call a brew! What form did the tealeaves take? To be honest with you I was feeling a little drunk and the cup fell from my hand. The pottery smashed to bits on the floor and it was then that I was filled with the notion of a West ham victory.
A surprise as the Hammers make it to the Semis...
(Did this actually happen? Ed)
Manchester City v Reading
By now I'd run out of tea (and mugs) and so decided to finish off the rum having just polished off the whiskey. They say that you'll never find the answer at the bottom of a bottle and they may be right. But you don't have to be off your tits to know that City will finish of Reading.
Manchester City to polish off Reading
(Is Claire's drinking starting to get out of hand? Ed)
My crystal ball is one with the Universe. The stars spiralled from within and the result appeared from without. So before I free my mind from the clutches of the cosmos and finish off my six pack of Carling here's what will happen in Sunday's Cup Final ...
THE CARLING CUP FINAL: BIRMINGHAM CITY v ARSENAL
The negative energy poursing out from every critic towards this hard-working Birmingham City side suggests that this game is already a done deal. Arsenal are on the hunt for an incredible quadruple, Birmingham have never won that amount of trophies in their history never mind in one season. So I have decided to use every resource to see if Blues have any chance.
All of this was thirsty work. So, having polished off the tinnies I made myself a deserved cup of tea. (Sadly my mug did not have three handles). Having slurped the contents down in one go I then peered into the depths of the mug and sloshed the remaining contents around until a pattern was formed. It formed the shape of a large gun.
But do not lose faith Birmigham fans. For in the Chinese Horoscope 2011 is the year of the rabbit. And what do rabbits lke to eat? Of course, the humble carrott. But how does a carrott relate to either Arsenal or Birmingham? Then a funky moped flew past my living room window as I contemplated the cellestial vortex. The signs began to point the other way. Could this reallly be too close to call?
There was only one way to find out. My faithful crystal ball. The clouds slowly swirled then parted. 'Two-One to the Arsenal' was the clear message.
Several hours later I awoke from my trance-like state. My legs felt heavy and so did my head. I could murder a fry-up. Cup of tea anyone?
My crystal ball is one with the Universe. The stars spiralled from within as the weekend's scores appeared from without. So before I free my mind from the clutches of the cosmos and finish off this stella six pack here are my choices of the Cup action...
Chelsea v Everton FA Cup, 4th Round Replay.
The stars which have aligned themselves in the vast cosmos still spell out the words C-H-E-L-S-E-A! I believed it then and I still believe it now. I believe 6000 Evertonians are making the journey south. I predict you will return home to Merseyside feeling the weight of bitter disappointment.
Chelsea to definitely win this time..
Stoke City v Brighton, FA Cup 5th Round.
Something strange occurred when I cast my forecast for this game. The clouds shifted and sifted and I thought I saw a seagull calling out in triumph! This could take a replay but a major shock could be on the cards.
League One Brighton to cause a huge upset and reach the Quarters
Manchester United v Crawley Town, FA Cup 5th Round
Even the full force of the zodiac can not help Crawley Town to a win at Old Trafford. Although I'm unable to see a win by four or five goals this game will not be as easy as many would have thought. Crawley could even lose by just two.
A more difficult game than some might expect. United to win of course in the end.
Leyton Orient v Arsenal, FA Cup 5th Round
This is another game where one team will be expected to breeze through to the next round. Although the Brisbane Road pitch (I prefer to stick with the old names) is conducive to good football I suspect that this competition is the smallest of Arsenal's targets this season and so may not find it as easy as expected. My tea leaves are telling me that Orient will score first but Arsenal will put their big guns on the pitch and make it through, just.
Arsenal to sneak through on the day.
Fulham v Bolton Wanderers FA Cup 5th Round
Despite what you may believe football is full of romance, no matter what the big wigs at the FA or FIFA try to do with the game we know and love. And there's no bigger romantic than me. I have a real strong feeling for Bolton lifting the Cup this year, especially following on from the death of Nat Lofthouse. Soft, yes and proud of it!
Sorry Fulham. It has to be Bolton's year.
West Ham United v Burnley FA Cup 5th Round
A battle of the clarets at Upton Park. And there's nothing more then Cosmic Claire likes and that's a good claret! Burnley seem to be on the way back whereas West Ham continue to dodder about. The stars seem undecided about this one so I'll go for a draw.
West Ham to win after a replay
My crystal ball is one with the Universe. The clouds swirled up briefly before I was able to make the forecast. So before I free my mind from the cosmos and head back down to the pub here are my six choices...
Everton v Chelsea
The stars have aligned in the vast cosmos and they spell out the words C-H-E-L-S-E-A! Whilst there is no doubt that this will be tough contest fortunes are changing for the West London club. On the other hand a shadow lurks over Goodison Park.
Chelsea to win. Without a replay being required.
Watford v Brighton
Two teams going exceptionally well in their own divisions but enough of the punditry. Peering at my celestial charts I can see that both teams have positive auras and will go out to attack each other . The leaves in my teacup have mostly allied themselves with Watford.
A home win.
West Ham United v Nottingham Forest
My crystal ball became foggy but when I considered the possibility of a replay the mists slowly cleared. My friends tell me that Forest have a fantastic home record and that is how they will triumph.
Forest to clinch their place in Round Five after a replay.
Torquay United v Crawley Town
One advantage to being a seer is that you can call the result of the game without knowing either team. This one had me fairly stumped so I tossed a coin.
Torquay United by a Queen's nose.
Aston Villa v Blackburn Rovers
Two teams with ancient auras come together again at Villa Park. Both teams' success in this competition was in the ancient past and for Aston Villa the wait could be even longer.
Blackburn to win through, possibly after a replay.
Southampton v Manchester United
The ball was clear on this one. I looked hard for any astrological coincidences to May 1976 when the Saints surprised the Red Devils but my search was in vain. I looked again to January 2010 when a high-flying team from League One, Leeds United knocked United out at Old Trafford. Again my search was fruitless. Sorry Southampton fans.
Man United to win by two or perhaps three goals.
I have been called upon once more to look into my crystal ball and forecast the FA Cup replays on behalf of thegoal-line.com
. Who, by the way, have not yet crossed my palm with silver from last time!Cardiff City v Stoke City
The planet of Saturn being being strongly in conjunction with the sign of Capricorn means only one thing, a grim battle. But enough about the supporters and onto the game itself. Both teams are determined and strong-willed. I see the game going at least into extra time where the home team will eventually triumph. Cardiff City to win, perhaps on penalties... Manchester City v Leicester City
My crystal ball reveals an old leader returning to his old stomping ground. But this will do nothing to help his new team from a being vanquished, although I predict that he won't make it easy.City to win, maybe by two clear goals...Wolverhampton Wanderers v Doncaster Rovers
When the mists finally cleared I was shocked by the image of men in gold trooping off shaking their heads, their surprised opponents doing jigs of joy. Whatever could that mean?Doncaster Rovers to cause a major upset...Leeds United v Arsenal
A difficult night for the Londoners is predicted by many but the fates have colluded with the cosmos and Leeds may not cause the shock they might be expecting. Arsenal to win by two or three...
My crystal ball is one with the Universe. A casual rub this morning, the clouds swirled up briefly before all became clear and I was able to make the forecast for the first legs. So before I free my mind from the cosmos and head down to the pub here it is...
West Ham v Birmingham
The auras I perceive from the two managers tell me that Birmingham should be confident of success. But that could also be their weakness. Beware the sign of complacency!
West Ham to win by a single goal...
Ipswich v Arsenal
A determined aura binds the Arsenal team. Arsene Wenger needs his palms to be crossed with silver after a six year absence. Whereas Paul Jewell will add some sparkle to his team's play but the stars suggest he will find immediate success a tough nut to crackArsena
l by at least two clear goals!