In the bleak midsummer of off-season it is very easy to let things slide. Other than the Women’s World Cup (congratulations to Japan for winning!) there hasn’t been much around and about football-wise. Darlings, for my absence I apologise. But, as always, I am here for you and ready – in pre-season training if you will. The excitement of the new season is beginning in earnest, with transfers, rumours and pre-season friendlies abound.

I have noticed, sweeties, that these off-duty footballers are all about having the latest accessories. Because of this I bring you the top 4 footballer accessories that will no doubt become must-haves next season. Enjoy!

1.       Torres’ Guns

It would appear that Chelsea newbie Fernando has been working out over the summer. Lamenting his move while pumping iron at the gym perhaps? In any case, Señor Torres is looking pretty hench (ask your little sister what that means) and perhaps the Spanish forward is ready for a new season. Let’s hope, for Chelsea’s sake at least, that he doesn’t take another 903 minutes of football to score his next goal…

DrSparkles is a fan of the guns as accessories, although thinks that maybe the showy vest-top is pushing it a little far in the fashion sakes. No me gusta!

2.       Beckham’s Boots

You would have to be living on another planet, no, in another universe not to know that a brand new Baby Beckham was born recently. On 10th July 2011 the Beckham’s 4th child – and only daughter – came into the world amongst a storm of controversy (mostly due to the choice of name for the little girl and the fact that she was born via caesarean section. DrSparkles believes that women should be able to give birth however the hell they want and thinks that Harper is a pretty name, while Seven sounds like a nod to Star Trek, which can only be a good thing…). Huge congratulations to the Beckhams!

But a baby is not the newest accessory for footballers (although you may think so, given how many of them are new dads right now), tribute boots are…

Behold – Beckham’s newest boots. Pink and white Addidas, with his children’s names sewn into them. You can’t get any more cutting edge than this, worn by the ex-Manchester United legend at a recent Real Madrid vs LA Galaxy match in Los Angeles. It would seem that the boots didn’t do David much good, LA Galaxy lost to his former team 4-1, but the touching tribute to his family is wonderful nonetheless…

3.       Carroll’s Pants

It would seem that being the eighth most expensive footballer in history cannot buy you style or taste. No, we are not talking about Andy Carroll’s flowing locks (although DrSparkles does believe that a shorter haircut would make the most of his bone structure) but the fact that he was currently spotted making a fashion faux-pas of great proportions…

During a warm-up with his Liverpool teammates Geordie striker Carroll was seen sporting what can only be described as form-fitting black underwear beneath the white (and semi-see through) shorts of his Liverpool 3rd kit (one whose colours may be more fitting for another Merseyside team and that has caused a bit of controversy since it was unveiled)

DrSparkles is unsure whether Carroll is trying to start a new trend with this cheeky pant-show, but does suggest that the bad-boy has a shave and sticks to the Tightie-Whities when he is wearing this kit. It’s too distracting otherwise…

4.       Real Madrid’s Swimmers

Finally, a bit of fun from those loco Real Madrid boys. While out in Los Angeles, showing those American guys how real football is played, they were spotted doing some poolside training. But it doesn’t seem to have been taken too seriously. The FIFA-voted ‘most successful club of the 20th century’ seem to be a fun lot…

DrSparkles is sure that the headgear sported by most of the team will be seen catwalks during the next Madrid Fashion Week and is happily surprised how attractive silly hats can be on a good looking footballing type.

I hope you have all had a fantastic week so far, Dr Sparkles fans. I have been jet-setting to various La Liga and Seria A games, along with a quick trip to New York, to bring you the latest in International football news, with my unique Dr Sparkles slant. This week I am focusing on possible (or actual) alternative careers for footballers. I hope the jetlag was worth it. Enjoy, sweeties, and until next week….

Vocational Suggestion 1: Be a Model

This would usually be an excuse to throw out some of the old Armani photos of Beckham and Ljungberg in their brief briefs, but Dr Sparkles is anything but predictable. First up, choosing modelling as a way to make a bit of cash on the side is Real Madrid’s Xabi Alonso. Not content with being a half decent player and holding the record for longest-range goal ever scored in the Premiership (beating Steve Harper from 61 yards back in 2006) Xabi and his beautiful fiancée Nagore posed exclusively for Vogue España, proving that Xavi is not a one trick pony. Dr Sparkles believes that this is far classier than many of the UK’s footballers who have their gaudy weddings published in Hello or OK Magazine…

In addition to this type of modelling, Dr Sparkles firmly believes that some footballers would benefit from being hairdressers’ models, thus improving their silky smooth locks, and (in some cases) their game play one thousand fold…

Vocational Suggestion Number 2: Be an Artist

Be it tattoos, acting, or illustrating Children’s books, it seems that footballers are an arty bunch. Bristol City’s David James is an avid artist, a title he holds proud along with his record of most Premiership appearances (573 for those of you who are counting) and there are many footballers who use their bodies as canvases for tattoo artists (some with greater success than others).

Not to mention footballing great King Eric Cantona and his stint as a poet (somewhat dubious) and actor (his performance in Elizabeth being his crowning glory). Dr Sparkles approves of footballers who are not afraid to show their arty sides, and other than the selection of rather ghastly tattoos that some footballers exhibit, thinks that acting, arting or tattooing is a worthy vocation after the footballing is done…

Vocational Suggestion Number 3: Be a Legend

At a time where true legends appear to be scarce in the game we all love, Dr Sparkles would like to pay homage to two ex-players who have returned to the game after some absence, and who are already being heralded as born-again saviours.

King Eric Cantona has recently taken up residence in New York, becoming Director of Soccer at New York Cosmos. Even Sir Alex Ferguson thinks this is a good move for the King, saying “I am delighted for Eric, It is quite an innovative move by New York Cosmos. They are rebuilding their team and although it doesn't start until next year, whether they want Eric's knowledge, charisma or personality, it will be interesting for him." Dr Sparkles, for one, agrees with Sir Alex and can’t wait to see King Eric back on the pitch again. Or, at least, standing beside it…

It would be unfair to mention legends without bringing up another King, this time King Kenny Dalglish. Liverpool fans the world over were overjoyed when Dalglish was appointed as new Liverpool manager, and although his presence hasn’t quite caused the stir that fans were hoping for, there is plenty of time for a turaround by a somewhat (currently) lacklustre Liverpool squad. Dr Sparkles is all in favour in legends returning and hopes that this will be a positive move for Liverpool, as opposed to a Shearer-for-Newcastle debacle…

Happy 2011 to my loyal readers. How were the celebrations, darlings? Beautiful and champagne-filled I hope. I’d tell you all about my adventures but the privacy of A-listers remains of upmost important to me, so I’ll just leave it to your imaginations…

With a New Year comes the need for New Year Resolutions. Here are my top three suggested resolutions for clubs and players alike. Until next week sweeties…

Resolution One: Bring In An Oldie

With Ljungberg  now at Celtic and the rumours surrounding Beckham’s return to the UK (Spurs being the club of choice at the time of writing), Dr Sparkles suggests that bringing in an old player is the move of the moment during the January transfer window. No matter if they’re a bit slow now, their fame and celebrity status will make your club more famous all over the world, and bring in both the cash and the ladies from far and wide to catch a glimpse of said hottie. Of course, Ronaldinho’s move to Blackburn might not herald the same chick-following as model-esque Freddie and David, but they’re on trend nonetheless…

Resolution Two: Man Up!

Dr Sparkles was the first to applaud Tevez and his snazzy snood last year, but it has now gone way too far. Most Man City players now seem to enter the field of play with gloves, snoods, long-sleeved tops and long shorts. Dr Sparkles does not approve. A Man City branded snood may be a good way of bringing in some more cash to the club, but players need to realise that the UK is not Siberia, even though there has been a cold snap recently. Conversely, the Everton players have been banned by Moyes from even wearing gloves, which is clearly the way to go. This was shown in the result between these two on December 20th, when Everton won 2-1.

Dr Sparkles advice? Man up and run around a bit more. Extra layers (other than a football shirt and a base layer) are not needed and even at extreme cold temperatures your core body temp doesn’t change all that much – temperatures around freezing will not affect your performance once you have warmed up.

Resolution Three: Grow Up!

With the sacking of Darren Ferguson came one of the biggest shows of foot-stamping since Cheryl Cole didn’t get the Malibu beach house in her divorce. Daddy Ferguson decided that no-one could treat his son like that and proceeded to withdraw his on-loan Manchester United stars (ahem) Ritchie De Laet and Josh King from Preston North End’s sweaty grip. There was also talk of United ending their loan of midfielder Matty James. Thoughts on this are mixed amongst fans, but Dr Sparkles finds the fact that Big Daddy Ferg felt he should step in and get involved with his son's business a little tragic. Allow your son to be his own man Sir Alex!